I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
