I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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