Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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