Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
