Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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