He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
