I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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