I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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