jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
