um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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