Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
