i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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