I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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