I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
