How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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