so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
