last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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