Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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