The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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