I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
