glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
