All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm at about main and main street
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize