He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
