Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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