if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
