so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
