The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
