I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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