that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
