And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
