Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
