Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
