dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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