There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Dick very happy bro
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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