I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
