Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
