Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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