SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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