Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
