oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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