Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
