Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
