remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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