Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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