I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
