I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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