Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
