i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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