Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
