totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
