WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
