they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
