Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
