I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
