Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
