No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
