Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
